Valentines are for Sissies
by Skies-Shall-Rain
Summary: It's a Titans Valentine's Day party! With villains and a waffle and a gnome and a flamethrower and nukes and a pregnancy and spiked punch...didn't Robin learn anything from Christmas? Fellow haters of Valentine's Day, read for a cheer-up or just because!


**Hey readers! This is the sequel to The Merriest Christmas Ever (which contrary to the name, is NOT pure Christmas fluff :p) and my second oneshot evah! I thought about waiting and doing another Christmas special...then I laughed my teddy bear off at the very idea of waiting so long. Oh well. So here it is, my Valentine's Day special! Yeah, I'm one of those chicks who goes around hating on Valentine's Day, so specials make it better. And this time, I did not forget Red X. Nope. So proud!**

**PS, please read my Christmas one...it's just as random as (okay more random than) this one, and does not require Santa Claus to read! I mean seriously, if you guys read and review either this, that, or both, I will go to Pluto (and cheer it up!) and back with my joy :D**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing! Nothing, okay? So stop pushing the cold hard truth into my face! Teen Titans is not mine! Neither is the Laser Collection! Or...um, how about YOU figure out what I do (nothing!) and don't (anything!) own?**

* * *

><p>"Wait wait wait, back up," Cyborg said. "<em>You<em>—_you_ of _all_ people—are suggesting that we throw a Valentine's Day party?" Robin nodded. "But you got Starfire pregnant on Christmas."

"_But_ we all got laid on Christmas," Robin corrected, winking and nudging Cyborg.

"Friends! What _is_ this delightful food? It is most delicious!" Starfire exclaimed, chomping on the tofu that Beast Boy had momentarily left unattended.

"Cravings," Robin explained to his metallic friend. Cyborg shuddered.

"I am _so_ glad I was lucky when I got lucky," he said. Robin smirked. At this precise moment, Beast Boy chose to reenter the room and, upon seeing the last of his tofu vanish into Starfire's mouth, he proceeded to fall dramatically to his knees.

"No! The tofu! _Why_?" he sobbed. Raven appeared behind him and patted his head.

"It's just food. Stop being so dramatic."

"Hey! You're my girlfriend but you _still_ tease me and won't sleep with me? That makes no sense!" Beast Boy complained. Raven rolled her eyes, but didn't physically harm him like she had always done before that fateful Christmas party.

"Whatever."

"In _other_ news...did I hear Robin say he wanted a V-Day party?" Beast Boy asked with a grin.

"You did!" Robin answered with a matching grin.

"BOOYAH!" they yelled, high-fiving.

"HEY! _You_ STOLE_ mah_ phrase!" Cyborg broke down and cried.

"Yes! This was most rude of you, and I am now _VERY_ ANGRY!" Starfire's eyes glowed green.

"RUN _AWAAAAAY_!" Robin and Beast Boy sprinted down the hall, dodging starbolts and sonic cannon blasts. Raven, left standing alone in the common room, shook her head sadly.

"And so it begins. I guess I should send the e-mails."

* * *

><p>"Okay, so decorations are <em>up<em>, food is _out_, punch bowl has been _Speedy-proofed_, and we are all _festively_ _dressed_!" Robin declared with a beaming smile as he straightened his pink bow-tie. Cyborg gave him a weird look, as the Boy Wonder was dressed in a pink suit as well, with slicked-back hair. The Tower had been decked out in pink, red, and white hearts, Cupids, and flowers, with chocolates everywhere, and there was an anti-Speedy force field around the punch bowl.

"...I think I'm going to throw up," Raven muttered. She had been (somehow) conned into wearing a pale red dress and matching heeled shoes.

"The Tower looks most—!" that was all Starfire got to say before all of her neon pink-dressed glory zoomed to the nearest trash can.

"Morning sickness isn't just for mornings anymore," Robin muttered, facepalming.

"Hey dudes, what's...? Aw, Star! That is a _serious_ waste of tofu! Why'd you eat it if you were just gonna puke it up?" Beast Boy's eyes filled with tears at the sight, and Raven patted her boyfriend's shoulder. He was dressed more appropriately than Robin, in pale jeans and a red shirt that read "B-Mine" in white letters.

"I say it's goin' _right_ where it belongs," Cyborg said, crossing his arms with a smirk. He was wearing a red tie with white and pink hearts to show his festivity.

"Oh, yo askin' fo it now, bee-otch!" Beast Boy started going gangsta on Cyborg's metal butt and randomly produced a microphone. "Prepare to be PWNED!" before they could begin their epic rap battle, however, Herald opened a portal and teleported everyone from the Christmas party in.

"Hey guys! Are we interrupting?" Kitten asked curiously.

"Nope. _Definitely_ not!" Raven said quickly, grabbing the microphone from Beast Boy, who deflated.

"Okay, good. Because guess what time it is...?" Speedy asked mischievously.

"What?" Robin obliviously played along.

"WHIPPED CREAM TIME!" Speedy whipped out a huge gun loaded with two mega-cans of whipped cream and shot it at Robin, completely burying the teen.

"OH MAH GAWD IT'S SO _YUMMEH_!" Kid Flash screamed, leaping into the pile of topping. Jinx facepalmed at the antics of her boyfriend, but all the other boys were soon to follow...except Speedy, who was innocently sneaking towards the punch bowl...

"ha-HA!" Robin's head popped out of the whipped cream. "Nice try, Speedo! Butcha can't spike it this time; we _Speedy-proofed_ the punch!" the Boy Blunder laughed maniacally before vanishing again.

"And he _claims_ he's _nothing_ like Slade..." Raven muttered, rolling her eyes.

"SLADE!" Robin yelled from within the whipped cream. The sound of hand hitting something could be heard, and moments later...

"_OW_! Hey, watch the eyes!" Fang shouted.

"My bad," Robin muttered sheepishly.

* * *

><p>"Dude. This <em>sucks<em>," SeeMore muttered, watching Jinx dance with Kid Flash.

"I know! For them it's okay, but _we're_ all single dudes! This is just _wrong_!" Billy Numerous yelled. The doorbell rang, and the forlorn guys went to answer...

"Hi! We're a little lost, and somebody said we could ask here for help?"

"Guh..." Herald started drooling as he stared at the hot civilian girls who had randomly appeared.

"Dude! Drool _later_!" Johnny Rancid scolded, punching Herald's shoulder and turning to the girls. "So...you babes like parties?"

* * *

><p>"Hey Gizmo! What's up?" Melvin asked cheerfully as the young villain sat beside her next to the large window.<p>

"Uh...nuthin' much. Just kinda wanted to know...er..."

"Yeah?" Melvin asked, her eyes shining.

"Never mind. It was a dumb question," Gizmo drifted away, and Melvin frowned, crossing her arms.

"Hmph."

* * *

><p>"IT'S A BIRD! IT'S A PLANE! IT'S—!"<p>

"It's about to get a time-out," Jinx growled, standing on the counter to grab her boyfriend from his flight path (originating from the disco ball) and slam him into the ground.

"Aw, Jinxy! Lighten—hic—up!" Kid Flash said with a stupid grin. Jinx stared at him.

"Are you _drunk_? But...you don't...SPEEDY!" she whirled around and charged the archer.

"Help!" said archer squealed, running in a circle around the same spot as he tried (and epically failed) to avoid the wrath of Jinx. She hexed him, and he tumbled to the ground.

"_How_ did you spike the punch?" she growled. Speedy blinked up at her innocently.

"But...but I didn't spike anything! Swear!" he stammered. "Yet..." he muttered under his breath, unheard by Jinx.

"Then who...?" Jinx suddenly remembered someone she had seen hiding something in the portal. "_AQUALAD_!"

* * *

><p>"IMMA FIRIN' MAH LASAR!" Cyborg shouted, shooting his sonic cannon at the window.<p>

"DOCTOR OCTAGONAPUS BWAH!" Robin agreed, four cloaks duct-taped to his back and forced into unnatural positions with hair gel as he threw an explosive desk at the ocean.

"YOUR EXPLOSION IS IN MY OCEAN!" Aqualad—clad in a pink speedo—sobbed.

"NO, YOUR OCEAN IS IN MY EXPLOSION!" Robin retorted, sobbing as well. Then the two hugged, surrounded by the flowers of forgiveness.

"Uh...what the Cupid just happened?" some civilian chick who had formerly been dancing with Billy Numerous asked.

* * *

><p>The music was cranked up so loud that the entire tower was shaking everyone was suffering the effects of Aqualad's drinks and Speedy's randomly spiked food (don't ask) but something wasn't right...there was something that didn't belong. Something...something...or some<em>one<em>! The dancing stopped and everyone turned to the center of the floor, where Slade was doing the robot.

"SLADE!" Robin yelled, slamming his hand into his palm. Hot Spot, across the room, yelped and covered his groin, eyes wide in fear. Argent put a hand on her boyfriend's shoulder in a comforting manner, then glared at Robin.

"Traumatizer!" she accused. Robin shrugged.

"Meh. I've been called worse. Back to SLADE!" he slammed his hand into his palm again, and Hot Spot collapsed to the ground in absolute terror. "_Why_ are you here?"

"To _party_!" Slade replied, displaying his Valentine's Day attire...instead of gold and black, he was pink and white. Everyone exchanged bewildered glances.

"Whatever," Robin said with a shrug. "LET'S BOOGIE!" he grabbed Slade and the two started to tango to Blackout by Breathe Caroline...with Slade doing the girl part.

"I KNEW IT!" Starfire sobbed. "YOU ARE THE GAY, _AND_ DOING THE CHEATING!"

"...Um, what?" Robin said.

* * *

><p>"CHOCOLATE RAIN!" Beast Boy screamed, hitting a button. The ceiling opened and candy poured in, much to the delight of everyone except Johnny Rancid.<p>

"NO IM ALLERGIC TO CANDY MAKE IT GO AWAY! AAAAAHHH!"he screamed, drowning in the sea of candy.

"JOHNNY! I'LL SAVE YOU!" some random civilian chick pulled him up and preformed mouth-to mouth.

"Maybe I do like candy..." Johnny said with a grin before getting into a full-on make-out session.

* * *

><p>"Hello Titans. Prepare to...huh?" Red X had teleported into the Tower expecting to catch the Titans on their movie night, but instead, he found Titans and villains alike engaged in a dance competition. Slade, Robin, and Starfire were currently doing an Irish jig.<p>

"Dude, chillax! It's V-Day, truce is _ON_!" SeeMore said with a wink as some random civilian chick giggled and cuddled up to him. Red X frowned and put his hands on his hips, a little miffed. He had gone through weeks of surveillance to plan this brilliant attack, and the Titans didn't even have the decency to be available? Grumbling under his breath, he decided to stay a while...then felt something forced over his arms and legs.

"Huh?" Red X looked down to see that Cyborg, Mammoth, Mas, and Menos had stuffed him into a pink shirt and white pants. Fuming, the villain stormed over to the punch bowl and got a cup. It was pretty good, really. As he was heading back to watch the competition—Gnarrk and Wildebeest were doing a waltz—he felt someone slam up against him. _Must be a rogue dancer, _he thought. Only about fifteen Titans and villains were watching the competition...everyone else was dancing. Red X turned to see who had crashed into him and found himself face-to-face with a giggling, _very_ hot, very _drunk_ alien.

"Oops! Sorry, didn't see ya there!" she said through her giggles.

"It's fine...who are you again?" Red X asked.

"I'm Blackfire!"

"Red X," he had to shout as the song changed and some electronica song blasted through the speakers.

"Ooh, I _love_ this song! Say, you wanna dance?" Red X really didn't have a choice, as she dragged him onto the dance floor without waiting for a response.

* * *

><p>Mevin was perched on the couch (everyone was too wasted to be responsible and take her upstairs) and reading a book when Gizmo sat down next to her.<p>

"Hi Gizmo!"

"Hey...so uh, watcha readin' there?"

"Just a book," Melvin answered with a shrug. "So what's up?"

"I was just wondering if...uh, maybe you..."

"Yes...?" Melvin encouraged the red-faced, stammering villain.

"Uh, never mind," he muttered, jumping off the couch and vanishing into the crowd. Melvin frowned and threw the book in disappointment.

* * *

><p>"OUCH!" Kole yelped as a random book hit her in the head. Jericho snickered silently, and she frowned disapprovingly at him. "Yeah yeah, laugh it up pal."<p>

_"But...?"_ he signed.

"What makes you think there's a but?"

_"There's always a but."_

"There is a but."

_"I knew there was a but!"_

"_But_ remember that I have access to your guitar," she said with a smirk. Jericho's eyes widened.

_"You wouldn't...!"_

"Make it so out of tune that it would take you hours to retune it? Oh I so would."

_"...You would?"_

"I would."

_"Chocolate!"_ he silently swore.

* * *

><p>"Kiss me," SeeMore said suddenly to the random civilian girl—Tanya—he was hanging out with.<p>

"What? No! I thought we were gonna make it—mph!" he cut off her protest with a kiss, and she kneed him in the groin.

"What the _flowers_ was that?" she screamed.

"I kissed you!"

"I said _no_!"

"_Whatever_!"

Then they started making out.

* * *

><p>"JERICHO!" Slade boomed, an auto-tuner in his mask making him sound like Darth Vader. He whipped out a girly pink light saber and waved it menacingly while making "WHOM WHA WHAMP WHOMP WHOM!" sound effects. Everyone stopped doing whatever they were doing and cleared a space between the two, watching intently. "I am your father!"<p>

_"Uh...what?"_

"No, seriously. I'm your dad."

"...Awkward silence!" Speedy shouted, and the music started again.

* * *

><p>"Beast Boy?" Raven asked.<p>

"Yeahp?"

"How wasted are you right now?"

"Guh..." Beast Boy tried to evaluate himself.

"On a scale of one to ten."

"Fifty-hundred!" Beast Boy cheered, pumping his fist in the air and tumbling to the floor. Raven put a hand to her forehead in exasperation...she was still sober enough to be sarcastic, although she was pretty wasted herself.

"Let's get you to bed then; you've had enough," she hauled her boyfriend to his feet and began pulling him to his bedroom.

"No! Don't wanna!" he whined, going limp. Raven gritted her teeth.

"Beast Boy..." she growled, dragging him into his (thankfully nearby) room and setting him on the bed before pulling the sheets over him and trying to walk out.

"No! Don't wanna! _Don't wanna_!" he shouted, grabbing her hand and pulling her on top of him. Raven turned red.

"_What_ will it take," she said, carefully filtering the emotions from her voice, "to get you to stay?"

"Hm..." his eyes darkened in thought, then started sparkling.

"You stay too!"

"No."

"But..."

"_No_."

"Raven, _pwease_?" he asked, giving her the puppy-dog eyes. Raven sighed.

"Fine. _Just_ until you fall asleep," she agreed, pulling off her shoes and sliding into the bed beside him.

"Thanks Rae," Beat Boy said as he turned and buried his head in her chest. Raven felt herself turn red and stiffened, but deduced that he was drunk, so his actions were not his own. "Ahuvoo," he muttered into her chest.

"What?" she asked, unable to decipher his words. Beast Boy looked up, blinking.

"I love you," he repeated. _Okay, maybe he does have some control..._

"I love you, too," Raven said softly. "Now get some sleep," as Beast Boy's head fell into her chest again, Raven felt herself drifting off. And...was the crowd screaming about a giant waffle?

* * *

><p>"BOOYAH!" Cyborg shouted, jumping from square to square on the waffle that now covered the common room.<p>

Yes, the waffle.

Cyborg had created a monstrous waffle that filled the entire room with golden-brown deliciousness, and it was...bouncy? Every party guest (except Beast Boy and Raven) was now traversing the waffle in great leaps and bounds. A waffle race had already been held, in fact. Wildebeest had been declared the winner.

"One small step for waffle..." Hot Spot leaped off of the disco ball, landed on the waffle, and bounced up. "One giant leap for breakfast foods!" on his downfall, he landed on Argent, and they both fell into a square. Cyborg, focused on chewing a hole through the monster waffle, didn't even notice the maple syrup river until it carried him away in its stickiness.

"HELP ME!" he screamed desperately, but everyone was too busy fleeing maple syrup, butter, and whipped cream to care.

* * *

><p>After the waffle had been eaten, Melvin was sitting on the counter when Gizmo hopped up beside her.<p>

"Uh...hey Melvin!"

"Hiya Giz! What's up?"

"Um, I just wanted to know if you..." Melvin stared at him with wide eyes. "Never mind," he jumped off the counter. Melvin gritted her teeth and threw a basket of chicken legs at the crowd.

* * *

><p>"Hey! It's raining <em>chicken<em>!" Kid Flash shouted as a chicken leg bonked him in the head. Jinx rolled her eyes in exasperation and turned to Angel.

"Where's Kyd Wykkyd?"

"I have no clue," Angel answered. "But I've got a laptop in my bag. Wanna ditch?" Jinx looked at Kid Flash, who was trying to catch chicken in his mouth, and back at Angel.

"Is that even a question?" Angel grinned.

That's how they ended up on the roof, watching random anime.

* * *

><p>A humongous wad of dynamite randomly appeared in the common room, with ten seconds on the countdown clock. Everyone screamed as it ticked down, and as it reached zero...<p>

A little "BANG!" flag popped out.

"Seriously? That's it?" Cheshire asked.

"I've seen scarier bunny rabbits!" Robin scoffed. "No, seriously. That fluffy white one in the pet shop keeps giving me an evil look."

* * *

><p>"Hey Mammoth, wanna see me scare Slade?" Bumble Bee asked mischievously. Mammoth grinned and nodded.<p>

"Just follow along," she walked up to the evil mastermind and tapped his shoulder. "Hey Slade!"

"Hm? Oh hi Bumble Bee! Whatcha want?"

"Just wanted to let you know that it's totally not your fault."

"Huh?"

"It's not your fault."

"What's not my fault?"

"It's not, okay? It's just not your fault."

"You're scaring me! _What's_ not my fault?" Slade started to panic as Mammoth walked over. "Mammoth, thank hearts! Bumble Bee's gone insa—!"

"It's not your fault," Mammoth rumbled.

"Not you too!" Slade looked about a poke away from retreating to the fetal position.

"It's not your fault!" Bumble Bee said.

"It never was!" Mammoth echoed.

"It never will be!" Bumble Bee replied. Slade's eyes (eye?) got very, very big.

"MOMMY HELP ME!" he screamed, whipping out a teddy bear and sucking his thumb like his life depended on it.

"IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT SLADE!" Mammoth and Bumble Bee both shouted. Slade gawked for a second, then screamed like a girl and fainted. Bumble Bee and Mammoth cackled insanely and high-fived.

* * *

><p>"So, Red X. I hear you are a Jedi."<p>

"And Speedy, I hear you are a Sith."

"Then you know what we must do."

"JEDI!"

"SITH!"

They took a moment to glare at each other before crying out together.

"TO ARMS!"

Both of them whipped out rubber ducks and pressed in the beaks, causing the bathtime toys to become light sabers.

"FOOM!"

"WISH!"

"ZZT!"

"NYAH!"

They created their own sound effects as they dueled. Apparently, there were no other Jedi or Sith at the party, because everyone just gave the two very strange looks.

"ZZFT! _SHOOMP_!" Red X cried, parrying Speedy's thrust and jabbing the light saber into his foe's stomach. Speedy choked and dramatically fell to the ground, clawing his way over to Cheshire.

"Cheshire...I will always be with you...I love you..."

"Get up, you twit," she said, rolling her eyes and kicking his side. Speedy frowned.

"You ruin _everything_," he pouted.

* * *

><p>"OH MY GOD!" Robin screeched, falling to the ground and convulsing wildly like a child on a rocking horse.<p>

"Uh...what's up with him?" Cyborg asked. Starfire and Blackfire snickered and pointed to where a hose had been run up the back of Starfire's dress and was streaming water down her legs.

"We faked a labor," Blackfire explained.

"So. _Not_. Funny," Robin muttered, trying to restore part of his dignity. And failing. Epically.

* * *

><p>"MELVIN!" Gizmo screamed, charging the girl.<p>

"AH! What?" she asked.

"Uh..." he turned red. "Hi," then he ran back into the crowd. Melvin screamed and hurled a garden gnome (WTF?) in a random direction.

* * *

><p>"AAAAH THE GNOMES ARE ATTACKING! HIDE YOUR SOAP!" Hot Spot screamed, diving to the ground and covering his head as a garden gnome flew over his head and impaled itself on Cyborg's butt. The metal man didn't even notice, and Speedy stuck a sign to Cyborg's shoulders.<p>

"CONSENSUAL GNOME RAPE; NOTHING TO SEE HERE!"

* * *

><p>Jinx and Angel decided that the part had to be winding down (it was ten o'clock at night) so they headed downstairs.<p>

"I particularly liked the anime about..." Jinx trailed off at the sight of Cyborg unknowingly smacking unsuspecting dancers with the gnome on his butt.

"I think there are some we haven't watched?"

"Yeah, let's go," Jinx agreed, and the two girls retreated to the roof.

* * *

><p>"TERRA SERVE ME!" Slade commanded, spotting his former apprentice grinding on Aqualad. She gave him a weird look.<p>

"Uh...I rebelled, _killed_ you, and I'm not wearing the suit anymore," she counted off each point on her fingers, then continued "dancing." Slade looked at her like a moron, as though checking both her math and the validity of her statement. After a few moments...

"PINK IT!"

* * *

><p>"HOLY SHIZZLE, SUPAHMAN!" Kid Flash yelled, grabbing Robin's shoulders. "YO TOOTHBRUSH IS FLYING TO GUAM WITHOUT US!" Robin gasped in horror.<p>

"NOOOO WILLY _CANNOT_ BE FREE!" he sobbed.

"BUT THE GRAPEFRUITS ARE _PURPLE_!" Kid Flash reasoned.

"THE RAISINS AREN'T SINGING?" Robin asked.

"WE SHOULD LAY SEIGE TO THE DEODORANT FORTRESS!" Kid Flash suggested.

"HELMET!" Robin agreed.

"...What?" Lightning asked. Pantha shrugged and resumed dancing with Red Star.

* * *

><p>"Mister Clean, Mister Clean, Mister Clean Magic Eraser!" Kitten cheered, waving one in front of Thunder. "ERASE YOUR—"<p>

* * *

><p>"I wonder what <em>this<em> does?" Argent pressed a giant red button that said "DO NOT PRESS!" but nothing happened. "Huh. It's a dud."

Meanwhile in Hawaii...

All was quiet and peaceful, until a sudden nuclear explosion sank all the islands, effectively making the American flag invalid.

* * *

><p>Herald saw Thunder whimpering and walked over.<p>

"Dude, what's wrong?" he asked. Thunder pointed to his crotch.

"Kitten's gone crazy! She used her Mister Clean Magic Eraser to make me a girl by erasing my—"

* * *

><p>"NOO NOT THE GUMDROP BUTTONS!" Cyborg cried as Gnarrk ate the TV.<p>

"I think this party is getting a _little_ too crazy!" Billy Numerous shouted over the kiddy pool full of piranhas and a man-eating shark.

"Nah, it's just a little harmless fun!" Kyd Wykkyd signed with a grin before accidentally setting himself ablaze with a flamethrower.

* * *

><p>"GAH I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Gizmo screamed, running over to Melvin. "Ididn'—" he shoved a handmade card at her, "—? Phew," he sighed at the end of his rant. Melvin's eyes started watering with happiness.<p>

"Oh Gizmo, I thought you'd never ask!"

* * *

><p>"Hey Cheshire, what's this do?"<p>

"NO ROBIN THAT'S A—" but Robin had already pulled out the stopper and released a sleeping gas on the whole party. They were instantly knocked out.

* * *

><p>Robin woke up the next morning with a pounding headache. When he sat up, groaning, he soon realized that his head was the least of his concerns.<p>

The TV was half-eaten.

Cyborg had a gnome sticking out of his butt.

There was a pool of deadly fish in the middle of the floor.

Kyd Wykkyd was cuddling with a flamethrower.

Thunder's crotch had been erased.

Slade was painted pink and white.

The "nukes that destroy Hawaii" button had been pressed.

Remnants of a giant waffle were scattered everywhere.

The Tower was totally trashed.

Robin facepalmed.

"Why did I ever want a Valentine's Day party?"

* * *

><p><strong>Yes Robie-poo, why? BECAUSE YOU GET TORTURED THAT'S WHY! Oh and if you guys think this is any good, if you cracked a smile ONCE, please leave a review saying so to encourage me to do an Easter one! Or St. Patrick's Day...or both! You don't even need to log in; I have anonymous reviews enabled! So pwease?<strong>

**Also, happy Valentine's Day! Buy lotsa chocolate ;) and if you're a hater like me...BUY EVEN MORE CHOCOLATE MUAHAHA!**

**Uh...Imma go now. Bye! Review! :3**

**~Skies**


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